Jeddah Chronicles

An empty bed, a lonely pillow, a solitary blanket…

This is how I described my life in Jeddah.  I always enjoyed my solitary moments.  Not that I am afraid of letting other persons enter my eccentric world, not that I am scared that people will never understand me, but I guess one thing that life taught me was how to be alone.

From the moment that I realized that I have difficulty in trusting others, I only allowed a handful of persons to be part of my world.  Too bad that I know that soon these people I loved, adored and cherished will have to walk away from me and start making their own lives.  And I am always that ever understanding and loving person who would stay behind and cry.  One thing that I’ve learned was to accept things the way things are, and the way my life would eventually end, alone in my empty bed, with my lonely pillow and a solitary blanket.

I still have an unfinished life here in Jeddah and I am glad that I have rediscovered new things that brought luster to my life.  I loved, cried, endured too many agonies that life brought me, and it continuously strengthens me as I move on and trod along the path of uncertainty of this life that I chose and lived.

Allan

I never imagined myself writing this, not that I am not a religious person, but giving a testimony is not my cup of tea.

            I am not the holy type, but I pray.  I attended several Bible Studies here in Jeddah and I somewhat started to communicate with God.  And He gave me some meaningful and powerful answers specifically when I was about to resign from my present job here and decided to go back to the Philippines.

            This happened on the last week of June, 2006 and for three days, God gave me an answer that I never though I will receive.

            Something happened at work one Thursday evening and I was home that time.  My shift ended at 12 midnight and after an hour or two, there was an incident at one of the rides in my area and it was hyped and caught the attention of the General Manager of the park.

            My boss, who was called by the GM for questioning decided to send me an e-mail, copy furnished all the managers of the different department, blamed me of the lapses that occurred, accused me of not doing my job and threatened that I will be punished in accordance with the Saudi labor laws.

            The following day, when I read the e-mail I was humiliated, my reputation was tarnished and I was maligned without even hearing my side.

            I called on the lead man and one of the staff who was present at the time of the incident and much to my surprise, they were telling a different story of what really transpired that fateful night.

            Without batting an eyelash, I replied to all those who received his e-mail and defended not only myself, but my team and our reputation as a team.

            After hitting the send button, I called my mom back home and told her the story and that I will tender my resignation because I was no longer happy working with the company by the way things are happening.  She agreed and even told my sister who was a born again Christian, that was also at home that time enjoying her annual vacation leave from Myanmar to pray that things will turn out just fine.

            Later on, as expected, I and my boss had a confrontation that resulted to my resignation.  He was surprised and apologized but I have decided that I will be leaving at the soonest possible time.

            He declined my resignation and told me that I will not be penalized and he wanted me to go back to work.

            With a heavy heart, I returned back to work but my mind was pre-occupied of returning home and not receiving the benefits due to me since I will be breaching my contract.

            The following day, Saturday, it was my day off and I logged online and chatted with my mom and sister and they said it would be much better if I go home and resign.  My mom even quoted a verse from the bible that our house help told her that don’t be overwhelmed by life’s fleeting pleasure, the temporary wealth and what is important is my safety and our family.

            That same day, I went downtown to purchase the things my mom wanted me to bring her when I return to the Philippines.

            I was sitting at the bus stop waiting for the 7B SAPTCO Bus that will take me back to Al Salama, thinking, hoping and praying that God would give me guidance, a hunch, a clue or a sign on what to do.

            Then all of a sudden I saw walking towards me Sir Robbie, the Operation Supervisor who endorsed me to be his replacement at the park when he encountered problems with his residence documents, and who happened to be very persuasive in inviting me to the Bible Studies I have hesitantly attended.

            He smiled and sat beside me and I told him what happened until we rode in the bus, we continued discussing the incident and he commented that perhaps God wanted me to complete the remaining Bible study lessons, that if I will get through this problem, I will stay until my contract ends and therefore completing all the lessons of the Bible Study sessions.

            I knew that he was teasing me not until I saw Ben, who boarded the bus, another church member, and when Robbie called him, I was sandwiched between these two gentlemen.

            I realized that time and pondered for a moment, was it the sign and the answer that I was praying for God to give me?  Imagine that of the hundred of thousand of people in Jeddah, why would I have the chance to ride in the same bus with these two?

            That night, before I went to bed, I held a Bible in my hand and prayed like I never prayed before.  I asked God for guidance and told him that an answer be given to me when I opened the bible.

            True, the message that was revealed to me was written in Isaiah 40, aptly titled “Words of Hope” and the verses stated clearly that believe in God and he will give you the strength that you will need.  I nearly lost my faith and as explained by my sister when I told her what happened that Saturday, she said that maybe the Lord wanted me to trust Him that everything will be just fine.  Maybe He just did that to catch my attention and to remind me of what I’ve been missing in my spiritual life.

            Sunday, I again reported to my boss and again informed him of my intention to resign.  He declined for the second time and in an instance I stopped asking him to let me go home and though that maybe God still wanted me to be here and to serve my purpose.  I have kept the faith that when I saw Robbie and Ben, and when I opened the bible and read Isaiah 40, that God already answered my prayers.

            Maybe during that time I lost my faith in Him, but soon after I regained what I lost.

It is really hard to define what makes a person happy.  A pint of your favorite Double Dutch flavored ice cream, a fat bank account, a Caribbean Cruise or simply a walk in the park alone; these might be things that will make a person fulfills his need, or want, whatever the case, to be happy.

            It seems it depends on how we see things, or how we react to situations or even on how we see our future selves enjoying the fantasies we have created mainly focusing on what truly makes you happy.

            But the mood swings, the flaring tempers and the not so friendly environment that we have most of the times alters our state of consciousness and therefore different reactions results to different perceptions on happiness and what will make us happy.

            In my thirty three years of existence, there came a point when I never knew what really makes me happy.

As a child, the thought of my mom bringing home something, be it a bag full of cheap candies would make me happy and thrilled that I almost stood motionless at the front yard with my neck stretched in only one direction hoping to get a glimpse of the tricycle that would take mommy home.

            The innocence perhaps and the desire for surprises made me deliriously happy but until I reached my teen age years that my concept of happiness began to change.

            The feeling of happiness remained constant but somehow, I managed to increase my expectations on what is happiness.

            Not even a sack full of goodies could make me grin, and I began enjoying my loneliness while searching where the feeling of emptiness did came from.  I am happy being alone or at times with a friend to accompany me as we explored our own emotions and feelings.

            My loneliness protected me from the things that I never imagined could happen to me.  I built a wall around me that served as my sanctuary and only handpicked friends could enter my domain without being pushed in a moat filled with imaginary gators and crocs that surrounds me and guarded me from any intruders who would want to enter my realm.  But still, there is something missing in my life that continuously haunted me.  And I resided in a made believe world of happiness.

            But four years has passed and upon entering college, I redefined happiness by increasing again my outlooks, decreasing the opportunity to really feel happiness in the truest sense and in its simplest meaning.

            I engaged myself in activities that freed me from my four year hiatus, believing that happiness would finally be included in my daily itinerary but it seemed that my to do list was too complicated that I never took notice that another four years has passed and I never enjoyed life.

            I lost more friends, found new meanings in my life. Gained a few pounds, developed unacceptable perspectives that were opposite to the norms and rebuilt a wall that protected me and prevented people in seeing the real me.

            I lived in a fantasy where I felt safe.  I recreated dreams from my childhood that comforted me.  I despised intrusion by other people into my life and finally, I hardly knew myself.

            I never found happiness until I finally transformed myself, became arrogant, hideous to the point that I got pleasure from knowing that people hated me so much.  And all of a sudden happiness was no longer part of my vocabulary.  Loving had never been an ingredient of my life.  I was no longer the boy who waited for my mom to bring home a bag filled with inexpensive candies that brought smile to my face.

            A decade passed and after almost twenty eight years, something wonderful happened to me.  I realized that I will never ever find happiness if I will never ever find first my true self.  It came to a point that I can never define the word “me”.  I never knew who I am and I have been running around in circles chasing my tail as I was encaged in a fantasy castle surrounded by a moat that I thought had protected me, but it never did.  I lived destroying myself and missed out so many opportunities because I constantly sedated myself with dreams that took over the reality that I am no super hero that has the power of invincibility.  I am a lost human being trying to keep in touch with reality, well, struggling to find the true essence of my life and happiness as well.

Slowly, I began to recollect the things that I missed in my life and finally, the wall that I built around me was slowly being torn down when the time came that I have decided that enough is enough.

            What made me do that?  I loved.  And I loved, found my true self, welcomed endless inquiries on who I am and the demon that I become.  I have learned to accept my flaws and endured all the agonies on being criticized, maligned and laughed at.  I realized that the only thing that will make me human again is acceptance.  Accept the things that I cannot change, accept who I am, accept what I feel and accept the fact that I was living in a real world and not in Neverland.

            It was hard deciding coming out of my shell, revealing who I am, and enjoying the simplicity of life even that my daily planner is filled with activities that add burden to my life.  I never scheduled pleasure to be part of my daily routine.  I increased my workload thinking that self-fulfillment and numerous accomplishments would make me happy.

            Finally when I learned how to love, love myself, love others and love the way my life ought to be I somewhat felt a tingling sensation that extended that muscles in my lips, brightened my eyes and pumped more adrenalin in my system.

But part of choosing is losing.  I chose to open the doors of my life, the windows of my souls and there were things that I accepted in my life that I will lose.  And I broke down into pieces, hit rock bottom, lost the life that I held on for so many years and after mustered enough courage and determination, I chose to restart my life all over again.

            Now, I know what makes me happy.  Sending my mom money and not asking where she spent it but hearing her lovely comments on how she is enjoying life makes me happy.

            Receiving a text message from a person I held dear to my heart for more than six years thanking me for affecting his life makes me happy.

            Enjoying the heat of the Jeddah sun as I walk for about a mile going nowhere and simply enjoying the daily sceneries makes me smile.

            Finding my own true self, revealing who I am, gaining respect and acceptance although I am queerly different makes me happy.

            Living a solitary life knowing that people are behind me, cheering for me, waiting to hear me speak, enjoying my company makes me happy.

            I still enjoy eating a bag filled with cheap candies, but this time, my mom never buys me one.  I relived my childhood, enjoying its innocence and make sure that I will never waste the remaining years of my life.

            Are you happy?